Unfortunately, I’ve been waiting for that inevitable time when someone in my life cheating on their partner. I wasn’t sure exactly how I would react, and now that’s it’s here I have some thoughts.
The thing is, I’m highly aware that we are biological creatures aiming to be rational ones. Our impulses are highly animalistic—we want cry aloud in public if we stub our toe, want to physical harm people when we’re angry, we want to have sex with an attractive people who gives us attention, we want to run away when we are embarrassed, ect. We want these things, but we are rational people, and we try our hardest to say no. We say no to showing weakness in public, no to violence, no to cheating, and no to fleeing. At least we try not to be overly biological. Because being rational, and kind, and respectful is what our humanity is made of, and how we maintain relationships in this society structure.
Could I lie? Steal? Cheat? Hurt? And not give a fuck? Oh yes, I do have that capacity, and so do you. But if I did these things, I could not belong in this social ethical environment, for I have too much value on love, too much value in trust, and an overcompensated value on personal respect. Ethics is a code of behavior, which has both rewards and consequences. Morality is personal ethics code of how we interpret right from wrong.
Let me tie this together with friends cheating: I am a moral person so if I were to cheat I would have the remorse of hurting the person I’m dating plus those who respect me as an honorable person (including my own self-respect), furthermore, I am an ethical person and if I were to cheat I would lose the societal rewards of love, respect, and compassion because society cannot risk everyone cheating, for it would lead to a lack of trust within the trade-based society. How could business, love, and commerce function if every time a trade based on faith of trust was broken? There would be no trust for further trade to happen. No structure, no society, no protection and kindness. Of course, if society was based on a hook-up based structure things would be less stringent and cheating would not be a problem since there were no ties to break to begin with. Society would be perhaps more spontaneous, but less stable, and in my opinion, less loving. I couldn’t live in a world without both romantic and friendly love. In conclusion of this paragraph, society cannot afford cheaters and on a personal basis I could never be a cheater.
So how can I be friends with a cheater? I believe strongly that the people we’re around indirectly affect the people we become. I’m not saying that we turn into our friends, but I do think our positions of an array of topics, like our diets, our interests, our dating lives, our educations, ect are impacted by the exposure of our friend’s positions on these topics. I want my friends to inspire me. I want my friends to be people I brag about and admire. I don’t want my friends to be saints, but I do need friends that are respectful.
I was at a wedding this weekend and I got to know a few of the bride’s friends. They’re lovely people, loyal and interesting, ambitious and fun—people I hope the bride knows for a lifetime. It made me think of my own friends. Let’s say I get married one day; do I want a cheater in attendance to my vows of fidelity?
To be honest the only difference I see between a committed relationship and marriage is a pledge of longevity. I think in any and every committed relationship (no, I don’t think open relationships work in the long run) there is an understanding of trust, honor, and loyalty. And it’s not easy to be in a relationship when there is so much noise, and busyness, and personality, and temptation, and stress, and growing up, but fuck it, a relationship with someone who truly matters and you love is worth the price of the world. But during those few rough times I think we need our friends to stick it to us when we want to fail and give up and be mean to our loved one. Sometimes we need our friends to remind us of our humanity when it becomes easier to be temporarily barbaric.
I’ve spouted out a lot of theories in this entry and to be honest, not all of them are fleshed out.
So here’s my struggle: do I chose to be the bigger person and make peace and forgive all? Or do I maintain my harsh opinion on cheating and be known as a friend with higher standards for the people I let into myself? At this point, I know it would be a better year in regards to parties and fun and jovial acceptance to be forgiving. But for now, if being known as the friend who discriminates against cheating, and known to be judgmental towards behavior that hurts people around me, and known to value kindness and respect over systematic foul treatment, well, I don’t mind being the friend who values good character.
The thing is, I’m highly aware that we are biological creatures aiming to be rational ones. Our impulses are highly animalistic—we want cry aloud in public if we stub our toe, want to physical harm people when we’re angry, we want to have sex with an attractive people who gives us attention, we want to run away when we are embarrassed, ect. We want these things, but we are rational people, and we try our hardest to say no. We say no to showing weakness in public, no to violence, no to cheating, and no to fleeing. At least we try not to be overly biological. Because being rational, and kind, and respectful is what our humanity is made of, and how we maintain relationships in this society structure.
Could I lie? Steal? Cheat? Hurt? And not give a fuck? Oh yes, I do have that capacity, and so do you. But if I did these things, I could not belong in this social ethical environment, for I have too much value on love, too much value in trust, and an overcompensated value on personal respect. Ethics is a code of behavior, which has both rewards and consequences. Morality is personal ethics code of how we interpret right from wrong.
Let me tie this together with friends cheating: I am a moral person so if I were to cheat I would have the remorse of hurting the person I’m dating plus those who respect me as an honorable person (including my own self-respect), furthermore, I am an ethical person and if I were to cheat I would lose the societal rewards of love, respect, and compassion because society cannot risk everyone cheating, for it would lead to a lack of trust within the trade-based society. How could business, love, and commerce function if every time a trade based on faith of trust was broken? There would be no trust for further trade to happen. No structure, no society, no protection and kindness. Of course, if society was based on a hook-up based structure things would be less stringent and cheating would not be a problem since there were no ties to break to begin with. Society would be perhaps more spontaneous, but less stable, and in my opinion, less loving. I couldn’t live in a world without both romantic and friendly love. In conclusion of this paragraph, society cannot afford cheaters and on a personal basis I could never be a cheater.
So how can I be friends with a cheater? I believe strongly that the people we’re around indirectly affect the people we become. I’m not saying that we turn into our friends, but I do think our positions of an array of topics, like our diets, our interests, our dating lives, our educations, ect are impacted by the exposure of our friend’s positions on these topics. I want my friends to inspire me. I want my friends to be people I brag about and admire. I don’t want my friends to be saints, but I do need friends that are respectful.
I was at a wedding this weekend and I got to know a few of the bride’s friends. They’re lovely people, loyal and interesting, ambitious and fun—people I hope the bride knows for a lifetime. It made me think of my own friends. Let’s say I get married one day; do I want a cheater in attendance to my vows of fidelity?
To be honest the only difference I see between a committed relationship and marriage is a pledge of longevity. I think in any and every committed relationship (no, I don’t think open relationships work in the long run) there is an understanding of trust, honor, and loyalty. And it’s not easy to be in a relationship when there is so much noise, and busyness, and personality, and temptation, and stress, and growing up, but fuck it, a relationship with someone who truly matters and you love is worth the price of the world. But during those few rough times I think we need our friends to stick it to us when we want to fail and give up and be mean to our loved one. Sometimes we need our friends to remind us of our humanity when it becomes easier to be temporarily barbaric.
I’ve spouted out a lot of theories in this entry and to be honest, not all of them are fleshed out.
So here’s my struggle: do I chose to be the bigger person and make peace and forgive all? Or do I maintain my harsh opinion on cheating and be known as a friend with higher standards for the people I let into myself? At this point, I know it would be a better year in regards to parties and fun and jovial acceptance to be forgiving. But for now, if being known as the friend who discriminates against cheating, and known to be judgmental towards behavior that hurts people around me, and known to value kindness and respect over systematic foul treatment, well, I don’t mind being the friend who values good character.
2 comments:
I am so glad I am not your friend. You sound really judgmental and rigid. I hope life softens you and gives you more experiences so you can be more open to the choices that others make and don't make. OR maybe you are super young and still think life is black and white without shades of gray.
I love your comment! Thank you definitely for having a knee-jerk response. You're right, the world is in gray, but I'd rather be surrounded by trust, and love, and people I look up to so I can become someone I look up to. Perfection? Obviously not. Forgiveness? Of course. But since we're such mortal creatures, wouldn't life be better filled with love than dishonesty from the people who matter?
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